How to Eat a Vosges Charcuterie Chocolate Bar
I’m sitting here, 10 feet above sea level, prepping for and wondering what hurricane Helene’s 6 to 8 foot storm surge will look like. Then I think: “oh, Helene is a pretty name, though she sounds dangerous”. Anyone with the name Helene, probably has a black belt in karate. She’s unassuming and elegant, yet she could open a can of “whoop-your-hiney”, without a second thought. Then I remember that this particular “Helene” is a dangerous storm and I’m rather disappointed. I wanted my “storied Helene” to be a friend, save from a guarded distance. I’m sorry, I’ve digressed. Back to my point. I’ve spent the last two days prepping for this storm with the hope that it will fizzle away in the middle of the Gulf. I’m also hoping that the giant bucket of Slim Jim’s I ordered will be fair game, once this storm disappears into the non existent “Gulf Triangle”. Between getting the house ready and prepping for Christmas shop drops, I stopped, taking a moment to dive into the Vosges Cheddar and Apple and Manchego and Cherry, chocolate bars. The flavor description sounded like they were made for fall and boy, oh, boy, oh, boy I was not disappointed…almost.
When I ordered the lemon cakes, I also ordered these bars and stashed them in the freezer until fall officially arrived. Even though my anxiety levels are somewhat elevated due to the storm, I think it’s imperative to stop and smell the roses, despite what may be going on. This is a time where you close your eyes, place half a square of chocolate on your tongue and allow it to begin melting. Wait, don’t start chewing, it’s not that kind of chocolate. The heat of your mouth will start to bring out the different flavor notes. Don’t open your eyes. Find a quiet spot. No music. Maybe even darken the room. Dull your other senses. Allow all the parts of your mouth to come alive and activate. Let them tell the story of the chocolate. Keeping your mouth closed, move the air around in your mouth allowing the flavors to hit each area of your mouth. Let the chocolate melt halfway and then chew, for a completely different experience. It’s not just your tongue that tastes and it’s not just “flavor” that contributes to bite. Invite your entire mouth to the party and allow texture to help you interpret the flavors. The chocolate bar isn’t so much about the chocolate bar as it is, the entire experience. Cleansing your mouth, slowly experiencing the chocolate, cleansing your palate between chocolates, maybe you detected a flavor that no one else noticed. Let the experience be an experience, slow way down and be intentional.
Before I begin a chocolate encounter, I like to start with a clean mouth. I brush my teeth with a strong mint toothpaste. I prefer Colgate Total Clean Mint paste, it’s not overpowering, and doesn’t contain anything that interferes with my taste buds like: overstimulating them or leaving strange flavors in my mouth. Colgate Total Clean Mint paste (the plain white type) also rinses away most food flavors, except something like onions or honey mustard pretzels. In the event that I have eaten something strong in flavor, I will wait sometimes 2 days before I have a proper chocolate encounter. After I brush, I wait 20 minutes, to allow the minty flavor to completely dissipate. If I’m snacking on checkout counter chocolate, I don’t concern myself with this laborious process. I love mini-mart chocolate, however it’s more of an All-American and melds together with hot dogs and Cracker Jacks just fine, no brushing necessary. Note: do NOT opt for mouthwash, it will obliterate the chances of a successful chocolate adventure.
The Vosges Cheddar and Apple chocolate bar is iconically smooth and melts like a dream. When you first place half a square of chocolate in your mouth, you get notes of burnt cocoa or maybe a toasted / browned cocoa, even so, it’s definitely not “burned”. The cinnamon comes in and then the tang of cheddar. The apple marries the cheddar, cinnamon and burnt cocoa almost as if they were always one. The texture of the apple and cheddar is akin to honeycomb candy. The way it stuck to my teeth reminded me of being little, sitting on the edge of a springside dock, feet dangling over the water on a hot summer day, little candy bits sticking to the crevices in my teeth. It’s a kind of “stick to your teeth” that is more enjoyable than annoying. The Cheddar and Apple bar tastes like fall, though not overwhelmingly so. It’s subtle, tasting like a golden cuddle at dusk, on a cool day.
When I switch chocolate varieties, I like to cleanse my palate with a non-sugar cola. Sugar changes the pH of your mouth, giving it a sickly sweetness that I find horrifying. While anything that you put in your mouth changes the pH, a pre-sugared mouth dulls the flavor profiles and alters them to the point that the luxury chocolate you’re about to eat, is rendered a crappy, cheap, bargain bin, void of cocoa butter, chocolate flavored excuse for choco. For my non-sugar cola, I prefer Coke Zero every time. If you start with a clean mouth, this soda helps erase the flavor profiles of the previous chocolate that you experienced. Let the cola fill your mouth entirely. I know the dentist says to use a straw when drinking acidic drinks, but just this time, let the cola fully fill your mouth and cleanse your palate.
As much as I adore Vosges, the Vosges Manchego and Cherry chocolate bar completely missed the target. It strayed off into a tree, so far off the mark, that it won’t ever be found. It was chalky and crumbly. It didn’t melt. The manchego cheese (one of my favorites cheeses) was nondescript. The “sour” cherry competed vividly with the bittersweet chocolate, leaving me wondering if the cherry really existed. I believe a milkier chocolate would have been a more suitable companion to the flavor profiles of manchego and sour cherries. It’s painful for me to say this, however eating this bar of chocolate left me wanting to spit it out as I cried, and cry as I spit. I don’t know what happened here. Nevertheless, it was not a nice chocolate bar.
The Cheddar and Apple is not chocolate for eating on a train, definitely not with a fox, not on a boat or anywhere, except maybe it should be eaten when it rains. This is a chocolate meant to be discovered each time you taste it, like reading your favorite novel over and over again. Hello, Wuthering Heights 6 times now (this is absolutely true and not exaggerated even a little). Just like a Brontë novel is meant to be read as a labor of love, this chocolate bar is meant to develop, to become, to perform a series of Tchaikovsky level fouettés in your mouth. Somewhere along the way, you manage to come back down to earth. Like a wave of energy wobbled you back into your own dimension, not quite the same as when you left. For the few minutes I took to enjoy the Vosges, I forgot about my anxiety, I forgot that I’ll wake up 30 times when I hear the wind screaming through the bathroom vent or when the rain pounds against my 3rd story bedroom window. Wondering if I should head downstairs, where I can blissfully disregard the fact that I’ll be facing rising saltwater. Then I remember that maybe Helene and I could be friends…if she were a person and not a storm.
If you freeze your chocolate bars, take them out 1 hour before you plan to experience them.
